Open Adoption Roundtable #37

This Roundtable topic is: How do you feel after a visit?

I'm such a mixed mess of emotions after every visit. Usually it's a blend of happiness, sadness, anxiety, and gratitude.

I'm always happy to see my children's birth family. I love watching them interact with the kids. And I love noticing things like similar facial expressions that they share or similar mannerisms that they have in common. And few things make me happier than showing off my children and all their wonderful qualities (especially when I have an audience who adores them as much as I do).

But then there is a little bit of sadness. Sadness because there is still loss. There is still grief associated with this relationship. They had to experience loss in order to us to experience our family. And because I want to fix any problems that the birth parents have, and I can't. I want to help create jobs for them - perfect jobs that would make them happy and fulfilled. I want to waive a magic wand and make everything perfect in their lives. Because they deserve to be unbelievably, ridiculously happy. They made our family complete and I want to make their world perfect in exchange. Unfortunately, I have no magical powers.

And then there is anxiety. No matter how long we've been in these open adoptions, I still worry about how they think we are doing as parents. Do they think we're doing ok? Do they have regrets? While I probably worry about this less and less, it's still there in the back of my mind. I think I'll always be worried about this one - no matter how much reassurance I get. I think that's just part of the adoption relationship. And then there's anxiety as I worry about the birth families. How did they feel during the visit? What is this like for them?

And lastly, there is gratitude. After every visit I feel unbelievable grateful to the birth families for giving us our daughters. My husband and I talk after every visit about how thankful we are that they gave us our girls and how horribly different our lives would be without them (albeit more rested!).

I'm a whole mess of emotions after every visit. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I love seeing them and I love having them as a part of my children's lives. And I always look forward to the next visit.

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Open Adoption Roundtable #36

Wow am I behind on these... Well, not time to catch up like the present! In this Open Adoption Roundtable, we've been asked to respond to the following: Write about open adoption agreements. Is there one in your open adoption? What effect does it have on your relationships? If you could go back in time, would you approach the agreement differently?

What a topic! And one that so many people are always interested in. I think this is the question about our open adoptions that we get the most questions around... so here goes!

Our family is the happy product of two open adoptions - both with open adoption agreements. The first agreement (with our oldest daughter's birth mother) was created out of a whole lot of uncertainty. We weren't really sure what a "typical" agreement was supposed to look like. We were on the fence about how much contact we wanted. And really, we had just met days before and that fueled a lot of anxiety. What if we agree to a lot of contact and we don't like her? What if she we liked her a lot and wanted to see her more but we didn't agree to that? What if she didn't like us? What if our child didn't want to see her when she got older? We had no idea what we were doing. Our attorney guided most of the process and helped us to decide what was "reasonable" and common. We ended up with an open agreement that was quite a bit more open that the typical case in that agency, but one that everyone felt comfortable with in our arrangement. We would have monthly visits in person and contact via email. And initially this was incredibly helpful. It helped us to determine our roles in this unfamiliar process.

Three years later that agreement has certainly evolved. While we never changed anything on paper, we visit whenever we feel like it. Maybe that's once a month. Maybe more. Maybe less. We frequently share pictures and stories via Facebook. We text occasionally. Once in a great while we might talk on the phone. We attend their family get-togethers. We are no longer strangers trying to figure out how to navigate this relationship. But if I had to do this over, would I change anything? Probably. I probably would have just given them my phone number right off the bat. I wouldn't have worried about meetings being in public locations. But I think those boundaries probably helped us to gradually build our relationship. And it's hard to say since we were still navigating based on fear back then. Fear we wouldn't get to keep our baby. Fear that we wouldn't be liked. Fear that we were going to mess up. If we only knew then what we know now, right?

Our second adoption agreement was also a bit odd. This was not an agreement with strangers but with neighbors. We wanted an agreement that was the same as our first child's for no reason other than ensuring that the girls were treated equally. While we knew that in practice things weren't likely to be the same with our second daughter's birth mother living two doors down, we wanted it to be the same on paper. In the end, we agreed to visits every 2 weeks for the first two years and once a month after that. Just like in our first arrangement, it tends to be much more flexible than that. Sometimes we see them more often, sometimes less. We share photos and stories on Facebook almost daily. And things changed a bit when we moved 40 minutes away making visits a little more difficult.

In both relationships, I'm not really sure that the agreements were necessary. They did provide us with some initial structure and that was probably necessary as we figured out how these relationships were going to work. But we consider both birth families part of our regular family. We don't have agreements on when my grandparents come visit. They just do when it works for all of us. And that's pretty much how the relationships with the birth families are. They come visit when it works for all of us. They come to birthday parties. We plan holiday celebrations. It's really no different than it is for our other family members.

How would you respond to the topic?

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MAPP Gathering #5 - Dr. Sara Gottfried

This post is the fifth in a series of posts about the MAPP Gathering, a web-based interview series on Motherhood, Ambition, Passion and Purpose. 


Today I finally had the time to tune into the fifth interview in the MAPP gathering interview series. This one with with Dr. Sara Gottfried, an integrative medical doctor who specializes in women's health. As Dr. Gottfried began sharing her journey to motherhood I instantly felt a connection with her... we both were experiencing extreme professional burnout before becoming a mother and both feel that this was what catapulted us into the journey of finding balance or harmony in our lives.

Finding that balance has been a voyage. A long one for me. And it sounded like it wasn't the fastest journey for Dr. Gottfried either. She talked about how motherhood requires an "endless supply of energy" and how we need to figure out a way to balance our desire to give to others with our need to manage our energy. In fact, she made a really great comparison between the book, The Giving Tree, and being a mother. The tree wasn't happy until it had given and given... until it was just a stump for the boy to sit on. And often times in motherhood - that's when we feel as though we've given enough - when what is left of us is a stump.

But today, I don't want to focus on that part. Perhaps another day I'll write about giving overload. Today I want to talk about a different piece of this interview. As Dr. Gottfried was talking about this journey of finding balance (a constant effort for me) she talked about what a mess it can be to be on this journey. And that rather than thinking of this mess as a bad thing, an embarrassing path on the way to something good - we should think of the mess as our message. It's not the idea that we've reached balance and we're zen and perfect. Our journey to that point is what makes us who we are and what defines us. And really, is that journey ever complete?

Boy, is that a hard concept for a perfectionist to accept. I always find my journey from point A to B to be an embarrassment. I know I mess up along the way. Often a lot. And if I have the ability to just pretend that didn't happen - I'll take it. Fortunately, those journeys don't just disappear because I want them to. Despite my best efforts to pretend that the end point I've arrived at is where I've always been, the memory of the journey is always there. And I'm coming to realize that's awesome. Just like Dr. Gottfried said, "Your mess is your message."

My mess is who I am. It's how I got to this place in my life. If I hadn't struggled along on the journey - I wouldn't be here. If I hadn't made mistakes, screwed up, and fallen down - I wouldn't be in the same place I am today. And that makes me thankful for the mess. What would have happened if I had left my Ph.D. program a few years later? Or earlier? What if I had gone to another University? What if I hadn't gone to college at all? What if I had stayed in my home town? There'd be no Jon. No Lorelai. No Logan. Those key people in my life who provide me with countless hours of joy (like the joy I'm experiencing while Lorelai wallows all over me as I type this).

I'm in the midst of many messy journeys... learning to be a great mom, attempting to be a better spouse, developing a fulfilling career, balancing it all in harmony, becoming the kind of person I want my children to become. It's a lot of mess.

But it's the mess that makes us who we are. It makes us appreciate the end result. It gives us the satisfaction when we reach our goals. And the mess is ok. I think the key is to try to enjoy the mess because we're in it for so much longer than we are in the success part. So I'm going to start my day now... and enjoy my mess.

You can find more information on Dr. Gottfried at www.saragottfried.md.com and listen to her full interview here.

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Whole Food Mommies

I've really gotten into whole food cooking lately. And when my mom sent me a link to this webpage (www.wholefoodmommies.com) - I was thrilled. There are so many great recipes on this site - for whole foodies and those who just want to try something new!

This week I tested out their Couscous Confetti Salad which was delicious and so easy to make. I had plenty of leftovers for lunch for a couple of days. Check out their webpage. You're going to love what you find there.

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Homemade Pizza Crust

Friday night is usually pizza night at our house. And while sometimes we order delivery, often times we make our own pizza. I always buy some sort of a pre-packaged crust and then top it with loads of veggies. If I'm lucky, I'll find a whole wheat crust that I can use. And then I stumbled upon a super easy to make pizza crust recipe from EatingWell.com - and I'll never go back!

I whipped this recipe up in about 10 minutes - and I even made a double batch. I put half of the dough in the freezer and just thawed it out for a few hours the next Friday night. Super easy... and delicious!

Our standard toppings of choice are pineapples, onions, and peppers. This time we opted for sliced roma tomatoes, roasted red peppers, pineapples, and gooey hunks of vegan provolone cheese. And we always top our pizzas off with a dusting of oregano. (Lorelai helped with the oregano here - she likes plenty!).

Give this crust a try. It won't disappoint!

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Mapp Gathering #4 - Brene Brown

This post is the fourth in a series of posts about the MAPP Gathering, a web-based interview series on Motherhood, Ambition, Passion and Purpose. 


Today I finally had a chance to dive into the 4th interview in the series. This interview was with Brene Brown, Ph.D. Dr. Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston where she does incredible research on shame and empathy. I think this may have been my favorite interview in the series so far. Probably because of how timely the information seemed to me.

Dr. Brown really talked about two topics that made my ears perk up. The first topic she discussed was the idea that where we are as human beings, how far we've come on our journey to wholeheartedness and worthiness, how we live our adult lives - is a better predictor of how our children will turn out than our parenting. And I thought WOW! That makes so much sense to me. I'm not sure why but that just spoke volumes to me and made so much sense. Our children spend all of their time watching us. So if we don't act like the type of adults that we want our children to become, how will they grow up to be those adults? In fact, Dr. Brown says that we can't give our kids more than what we have. In other words, I can't teach my kids to be more patient than I am. I can't teach my children to be more caring than I am. I can't teach my children to be more loving than I am... because I don't know how to teach someone to do something better than I can do it. So those moms who ultimately raise the best kids aren't the ones who necessarily do something right in teaching their kids, they are the moms who worked hard at making themselves good examples of what they wanted their children to be. These moms have accepted who they are and proclaimed, "I am enough."

I thought back to my childhood quite a bit today after listening to this interview... seeking out examples. And I couldn't believe how many awesome examples I could find. I had one friend growing up who's mother was constantly on a diet. She was never ok with how she looked. And I remember my friend being on diets as early as about the 1st grade (and maybe earlier!). I don't believe anyone ever told my friend that she needed to lose weight. In fact, she was never even close to being overweight at any point in her life. She was always a beautiful girl. But just like her mother she was never quite happy about how she looked - I assume because she learned that from her mother. I know women who's mothers were very actively involved in community development - always volunteering to help somewhere. And these women are now actively involved in such things as well. I've certainly learned a number of things from my own mother... as I child I remember my mother wearing a swimsuit once. And hating it the whole time. I, too, hate to wear swimsuits and have from as far back as I can remember. At five years old I remember being self-conscious in a swimsuit. My mother was also an incredibly hard worker and still is. She puts in a ton of hours at the office working for a cause that she believes in. And so do I. My mother was also the most affectionate parent on the planet - telling us repeatedly how much she loved us and showering us with hugs and kisses. Lorelai constantly complains about how I'm always kissing her and telling her I love her. I think there may be a bit of truth to this whole argument.

And wow. What a responsibility! To know that it's not just teaching your kids how to be a good adult, but its about modeling that type of adult to your children. What kind of an adult do I want my children to be? Responsible. Caring. Passionate. Civic minded. Loving. Happy. Empowered. Intelligent. Compassionate. Joyful. Fulfilled. That's a tall order to model for them. What a challenge motherhood can be! Especially as we realize that that challenge calls us to be the very best people that we can possibly be.

And that's where the second topic in the interview came into play. This idea of being the perfect mother and shaming other mothers for not living up to our expectations. This has been such a topic of note for me lately as a couple of recent Facebook threads by my friends have spoken to this topic. We all know those mothers... the ones that stare at you slack jawed as you bottle feed your baby. How dare you! Don't you know that breastfeeding is the best thing you can do for your child? You're a crummy mummy! You're not doing what you should be doing for your child! And you let your child have a pacifier! You'll ruin their teeth. You let your child sleep in your bed with you? Don't you know the dangers of co-sleeping? And on and on... We all know who these mommies are. Mommies who feel the need to critique every other mommy's parenting abilities and shame them into believing that their way of parenting is subpar. The judge other mommies. They critique other mommies. Any mommy who is doing something different than what they are doing is wrong. And as Dr. Brown puts it, it's because they view mommies doing things differently as a threat and as judgment. Parenting (especially during those first five years) is so unbelievably hard that these mommies believe that they just have to be doing it right. Otherwise what is all this effort and exhaustion for? And they feel shame at the idea that they might be doing something wrong. So their response is to attack other mommies. That's how they deal with shame and striving to be perfect.

I've certainly judged other moms. Yup. I've said it. I've done it. A number of times. I've seen parents at the store giving their babies Mountain Dew in a baby bottle and I've cringed. I've seen children in stores in the dead of winter with no shoes or socks and I've shaken my head. I've watched fellow adoptive mommies try to pretend to themselves and everyone else that this is their biological child and attempt to ignore the adoption all together - and I've carried some stress for those children on their behalf. That being said, I have never informed a mother that she was parenting poorly. I've never commented to another mother on how she needs to improve her parenting skills or how messed up she's going to make little Billy. I have been on the receiving side of that. Which may be why I feel so strongly about not dishing that out. And I think it's time to stop the judgement. It's certainly time to stop the shaming and the blaming and the tearing each other down. There is nothing good that comes of that. Nothing. Maybe you feel good momentarily for having done your duty and informing some mother that she is doing a terrible job raising her child since she's opted for Similac over breast milk, but do you think she's going to rush home a toss all the Similac now that you've informed her of the right way to do things? No. She's going to keep doing what's best for her; although, now she may feel pretty worthless about it.

Mothers should be a support for each other. When you see a child pitching a fit in a store with a disheveled mother who looks like she's about to lose her mind, we should be sending sympathetic glances not glares of shame. That poor mama is having a rough day! The last thing she needs is for someone to be trying to take her down a notch so that we can feel better about our parenting choices. So let's take a moment right now and all agree out loud. Yes, I said out loud! Say it with me...

I am no longer going to judge and shame mothers who parent differently than I do because I am going to be the kind of adult that I want my child to be. I don't want my child to be the kind of adult who shames and bullies others to feel better about themselves. I will be a better person for my child.


Thanks. Now let's all go try to be the kind of adults we want our children to grow up to be. Oh! And drop by and listen to this interview with Brene Brown, Ph.D. at the Mapp Gathering. You'll be so glad that you did!

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Tasty Treats for Munchkins

As I struggle to sneak healthy food into my little ones, I've stumbled across a way to convince them they are eating ice cream when they're not! Mommies out there... take note! It's so easy.

I took a low fat cinnamon graham cracker (broken in half) and sandwiched a large spoonful of vanilla soy yogurt in the middle. Then I wrapped them in aluminum foil and stuck them in the freezer for a few hours.  And then I chuckled as the girls scarfed down their "ice cream" sandwiches.

Mom 3, Girls 20,392

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